…you’d probably think I was some kind of serial killer. Or had a criminal record. Or ADHD. The searches start out innocent enough, with things like:*
Washington D.C. bed and breakfasts
English to Italian translator
Tiny churches in tiny towns
What’s the word for a town so small the population is not recorded?
Awesome crayon colors
Totally harmless. Then they get a bit weirder…**
Is owning an owl illegal?
Reasons a teen would be committed
How many homeless shelters are in New York City?
What are the dimensions of an average dumpster?
Teenage serial killers
How long does it take to perform open-heart surgery?
Ways to beat a lie detector test
Tips for homemade tattoos
And then just become completely nonsensical.***
How long does it take for a person to bleed out?
How do you become a member of the mob?
Tips for pickpocketing
How long can a person go without food before they die?
Can you really get drunk off a vodka-soaked tampon?
How to stop your own pulse
Ah, the life of a writer. Knowing so much about obscure (and probably inappropriate) topics. Sure, I watch way too much SVU (hence the vodka tampon question — it eventually became relevant for a story, I swear), but if you asked me about popular tea brands in 1914, I could probably tell you. The problem comes when your friends steal your computer and discover your search history while trying to look up directions to a restaurant. Inevitably, this always happens:
Good thing they haven’t seen my collection of babyname books. Then we’d have a real problem.